Ten ways to win an Election in Nigeria setting.
Political candidates in Nigeria across every level go through alot to garner votes.
1. Discuss with the power that be to know if you are good to go, if they disapprove just “jejely” accept defeat and don’t go and start wasting money because you wouldn’t win but if they approve,you have won halfway.
2. Even if you are proud become humble, start doing things average Nigerians do, like buying meat at Sabo market, eat rice and stew at Iya Risi buka among others and remember to take your photographer along with you.
3. Have an online PR,yes this is the order of the day,Today Nigeria election can determine from the online community,so you have to employ a PR or a team of PRs to manage your online campaign(I can offer the service too o..)
4. Know your strongholds and be sure they are truly your strong holds so its doesn’t turn to be your weak holds on the main day.
5. Always have a punch line for any candidate that tries to fire you. follow the tactics fire for fire(note: only wordplay)
6. Never ever underestimate the other opponents.
7. There are no permanent friends or fiends but permanent interest therefore, don’t trust your friends too much and don’t push your fiends away.
8. Always have a plan B and let it be personal.
9. if you are good with propaganda by all means please use it.
10. Above all be prepared to gift out consumables to the public.
As we all know Christmas is around the corner but the issue is ” will 2016 Christmas be the same as that of 2015? ” from the look of things I bring to you things that might happen this Christmas season.
1. The demand of food will further increase therefore causing a great increase in price, commodity foods like rice will be so exorbitant. Reason for this? as at now the price of food his hitting hard on the income and will even hit harder during festive period. so expect more of “Jollof beans”, “Jollof garri” and the likes.
2. A sharp increase in the price of clothings,it will be so sharp it can cut a finger and spill blood. as we all know Christmas is a period most parent showcase their wealth by buying clothes for their wards guess what there is going to be a difference this year,old clothes will be washed and old shoes polished.
3. High cost of transportation: as at now there have been rumours that there will be a hike in the price of petrol if this should come to reality then expect a increase in price of transportation which means most people are going to stay back in their homes to minimize expenses in few words “no home town travelling”
4. Increase in House rent: if you are the type that lives in rented apartment just be prepared for an increase in House rent especially those that pay yearly. Landlords will want to gain more money.
5. More Chicken will escape death: as funny as it might look like, 2016 will be a blessing to chickens as only a few among them will die while most will live to see 2017. This means expect a sharp increase.
6. use of knock-outs/bangers will minimized because there wouldn’t be wasteful spending.
7. More people will depend on MMM,Paradise and other ponzi schemes for this Christmas celebration.
8. Families will do joint cooking. you will hear “Mr Ade let us contribute money to buy one bag of rice then we share it.”
9. Any religious place of worship that says it will be giving out food on FOC basis(free of charge) will be full to the brim.
10. And most importantly Nigerians will shout Buhari’s name because that is the only thing we are good at,shout,shout and no action.
All the same I wish you a merry Christmas in advance.
Note: pls use 2016 to prepare for 2017..
for now this is the vision I can see..
1. Accountants count money.
2. Accountants are misers.
3. Accountants only know money.
4. Accountants always use glasses.
5. Accountants only draw table.
6. Accountants only smile at the end of the month.
7. Accountants will never increase your money above the expected.
8. Accountants are always calculating and as such don’t have time for family affairs.
9. Accountants know nothing beyond Debit and Credit.
10. Accountants are extremely rich.
Six things that occurred in the mind of Nigerians living abroad when they heard Donald Trump won the election.
1. Time to go home: having heard the news that Trump, the first thing that drops into the mind of most Nigerian is “Home”. the adage that America is Home away from Home begins to “trump” out of their mind.
2. Time To Relocate: for those that the love of Nigeria has left their heart the thought of relocating come to their mind, they start calling their friends in near by Canada to know how things are done there or call friends in faraway Iceland. it’s time to move.
3. Time To Know if the dollars you sent home was used for that house: most Nigerians will start calling those relatives/friends/contractors and asking them if the house they sent regular dollars for has been completed.. some will be so unlucky to find out that that relative didn’t build anything rather he was doing MMM.
4. Time To obey the rules: yes if you are going to stay back this is the time to obey the rules and not expect a fair treatment if you are not a citizen.
5: Time to start sending every of your income home: as you know Mr Trump can wake up tomorrow and say it is time to send you home by force please start sending your money to Nigeria so you don’t lose all in the long run.
And above all remember there is change there likewise here in Nigeria.
As we celebrate and rejoice with the HND graduating students,we are call on all ospolites both DPT and full time to vote for the best Department of their choice that graduated in Style.
To the graduating students we wish you the best as you step in to the real life environment. voting starts now and ends after 7days. Thank you!
Only one country in the world uses these colours as its flag in this sequence,there is no country other than Nigeria. Tomorrow, 1st of October Nigeria will clock 56years,it is something to thank God for that the bond still “struggle” to exist despite the diversities. Moving away from the celebration I will be writing on the meaning of the flag colours what it depicts then and now.
Pa Taiwo Akinkunmi, the designer of the Nigeria flag must have come up with series of colour combinations before settling for Green and white, he must have seen that every part of Nigeria was into Agriculture, groundnut from the north,Cocoa from the west, palm oil from the south,all of this symbolizes that Nigeria was deeply rooted in agriculture,it was our revenue earner which means every part of Nigeria created it own revenue, Coming to present day Nigeria I believe the green colours on our flag should be changed to Black because we now depend on one stream of income which is the black oil also know as crude oil,another reason for the colour black is that we have allow a small part of Nigeria create revenue for the whole of Nigeria which is not suppose to be so ,every part of Nigeria was and is suppose to bring their revenue together,this is the only way the bond can be strong but when a part is producing for a whole then something is wrong.
Pa Akinkunmi also selected the white colour to symbolize peace which means if every part of the country create it own revenue there will be peace every where,I believe that is why the white is between the green colours but what do we have today,we have a Nigeria filled with danger as you have to be alert every now and then, we have BokoHaram from the North, Militants from the south,kidnappers from the West,this is not what the colour white on our flag depicts, red is the right colour here,therefore Nigeria would be left with Black and Red,this are the least colours to reckon with.
Black and Red is overshadowing our green and white and if care is not taken it will replace it all.
This is a call to the Federal government to do everything in her power to jealously guide the bond that hold Nigeria,we must retrace our steps and see where will went amiss,we must bring back that love,we must make each part of the country earn it own revenue and stop relying on one part to supply for a whole.
As we Celebrate Nigeria at 56,I hope and pray things get better and God bestow His knowledge on our leaders to lead us right and the same time help them listen to the right advice.
Happy Birthday Nigeria.
God Bless The Federal Republic of Nigeria.
United we Stand.
these two really varies as there is a wide margin,”the difference is so visible to the deaf and audible to the blind.” (Divinequote 2016)
2015 fictional budget.
1. Food stuff- 30,000 Naira per month
2. Clothing- 10,000 Naira every 3months.
3. Motor Vehicle expenses-7000 Naira per month.
4. Generator fueling- 3000 Naira per night.
5. Electricity bill – depends
6. House Rent- 10,000 Naira per month.
7. Phone/laptop subscription- 7000 Naira per month
8. Recharge card – 1000 Naira per week.
Salary – 150,000 Naira per month.
Health status- very ok.
Blood pressure- very ok.
Feeding- balance diet.
Mood – Always happy.
2016 fictional budget.
1. Food stuff- 9000 Naira per month
2. Clothing- 1,500 Naira every 3months
3. Motor Vehicle expenses- sold vehicle
4. Generator fueling- sold generator.
5. Electricity bill – disconnected
6. House rent – relocated to a cheap area 1,500 per month.
7. Phone/laptop subscription- sold laptop, 500Naira for phone subscription.
8. Recharge card – 100 Naira per month.thank God for flashing.
Salary – 30,000 Naira per month.
Transportation- 25,000 Naira per Month.
Loan- 70,000 Naira minus interest
Overdraft- 12,000 Naira.
Health status- very very poor.
Blood pressure- High
Savings- Deep Red.
Mood – Always worried.
I was tired of sitting at home with nothing to show as the reward, I decided to contact my street friend Uche who i really envy because every weekend when he was at home he bounced from earth to heaven and back to earth like a big boy while the small boys like myself in the area looked up to him. On this very day after i had made that determination I went to him “Uche abeg i dey find work,help your guy” I said as if i was praying rubbing my palm over the other. He was silent for some minutes i guessed he was thinking of helping me or not,after what seems like hours he considered me “guy tomorrow na Monday so you go need reach here by 5:00am if i nor see you by that time then forget am.” he said as he picked up his phone to answer a call. “5am bawo” I thought, Me that 5am is the best sleeping hours for but on the other hand i needed money,beggars can’t be choosers,therefore the next day I was at Uche’s house at exactly 4:40am,things we do for money. Getting to his house I met other street big boys as we all started the long ride to our workshop as they say “it is where a man works there he shops that’s why it is called workshop” (pidgin).
After one hour of the drive we got to a popular market in Lagos,before i could say ABC guys were already out of the “danfo”(a yellow Volkswagen bus in Lagos) changing into another cloth,I saw Uche too removing his shirt and slipping on another cloth as i didn’t bring any cloth i just stood still observing,before I could breath in guys were already moving towards their area of specialization collecting their wares into a carton while Uche led me to a woman whom he introduced me to as his brother,the woman took two cartons and filled it with gala,one for me the other for Uche, He led me to where we were to resume,guys were already there running after cars,buses,bikes etc Uche soon join the race while I carried my own portion of the gala like I was new in Lagos. If Nigeria really want to win gold medals in track event then this was the place to picked up raw talent and groom them,they run with skill and zeal,some of them sold more than three cartons a day while I had manage to sell one gala and made a loss of three galas due to all those wicked buyers in vehicles that will pick one gala and drive away and I wasn’t ready to run after them,Uche paid for the loss thinking I was new to the trade.
The next day we were back to the road but sales was not really moving,then Uche received a call on his phone,he ended the call “them say hold up(traffic jam) dey Oshodi o” he told us before I knew what’s up guys were already boarding vehicles with their wares to Oshodi,Uche drew me aside “this place we dey go na danger zone o because them no dey allow us hawk for there once you see any vehicle watch very well before you move close,no dull yourself o” he told me while we boarded our own bus to Oshodi. The hawking soon began while we were happy with the traffic jam people in the bus were visibly angry but that didn’t stop them from buying gala at least to keep their mouth busy. I was lost in the euphoria of making sales when I heard “Ambode boys don arrive o” I saw guys running here and there,then from my part of the road I saw six boys pleading as they were being dragged by their trousers into a bus, I quickly carried my wares and took to my heels. As we return home as guys talked about those that were caught,I knew deep down within me that was my last day with them.
In the past rice use to be like every other food except for those at the village who see it as nothing special as there are other heavy foods like pounded yam,fufu,Eba etc to them rice was meant for those in the city,it was even believed that people in the city eat rice to the extent it could grow as a tree on their head. Especially in Lagos Rice is the number one food,after it comes others ,if you don’t have it at home you are not complete. we eat rice morning,afternoon and night and don’t care if its served for the whole of a year,when you go to a party you anticipate the coming of Jollof Rice which is a compulsory dish at every party because at the mention of Jollof Rice every food must bow.
But what is the situation now?
The situation due to the recession has made rice a scarce commodity in every home,even at a party you hardly get to savour the flavour of Jollof Rice not to talk of eating it. Now rice is so cost you have to plan how you eat it and if you want to make matter worse visit food vendors to buy rice and you will feel like crying.
We see rice as gold due to the sharp increase in it price,it is so sharp it can cut ones hand if care is not taken. Rice that we used to buy for 6000 Naira has now quadrupled and people have to source for cheaper foods but at the moment is there anything like cheap food? Rice is now the golden food.
What is the rate at which you use to eat rice before and how you eat it now?
If men were to be represented by Nigeria banks,this is what things will look like.
1. Access Bank – this is a kind of man that gives you access to all he has but not his money,he doesn’t joke with that.
2. Citibank- this is the man that rushes off to the village after being decline by the city big girls,he goes to the village to start catching village girls with his gimmicks “I am a city guy”
3. Diamond Bank- This kind of man thinks money is everything,he will do anything for you such as going into a contract with a network provider just to increase his worth to satisfy you.
4. Ecobank Nigeria – This kind of man is Economical in nature,he wants to know how you spend his money and any act of extravagance you are on your way to your father’s house.
5. Fidelity Bank Nigeria- this kind of man is ready to stay with only you but he is not going to spend much.
6. First Bank of Nigeria- this man believes since he came first into your life,you should always worship him,he lives on his past glory.you hear words like”i was the first man to enter into your heart” eh is it heaven?
7. First City Monument Bank – This kind of man always claim he is the cities ladies number one man and he spends alot.
8. Guaranty Trust Bank- this kind of man will always try to assure you but he at times over does it,he spends little and all his gadget and money safe has a password,he relies on applications alot to do any thing e.g to text his wife he enquires from an application.
9. Heritage Bank Plc.- this kind of man depends on his father’s wealth,he doesn’t really have anything to call his own.
10. Keystone Bank Limited- this kind of man is stone hearted,he believes in over powering other men,he doesn’t joke with the key to his strong room.
11. Skye Bank – this kind of man lives a flashy life despite the fact he is in debt.
12. Stanbic IBTC Bank Nigeria
Limited-this man is classic and he has alot of brothers who are equally rich,he is an half caste and always like to let people know.
13. Standard Chartered Bank- this kind of man rarely goes out,he only does his thing alone,he has alot of external backing.
14. Sterling Bank – this kind of man likes to form team foreign girls,he doesn’t like Nigeria girls.
15. Suntrust Bank Nigeria:this is the kind of man that believes technology can take care of his relationship and as such solely depends on his gadgets and other men close to his wife to talk to her on his behalf.
16. Union Bank of Nigeria- He believes because the president of a country is his Brother he can do anything,he hates spending money.
17. United Bank for Africa-this kind of man will always boast to you about his journey all over Africa,he talks alot,doesn’t not spend too much but still has a password to his safe.
18. Unity Bank Plc-this kind of man will be preaching unity once there is a fight because he solely depend on you.
19. Wema Bank-this kind of man is old school,he is just trying to meet up with modern school,he is cautious of his spendings.
20. Zenith Bank- This kind of man is always on the move,he likes to stay neat,he spends and his always on the look out for money.
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